Hello, how have you been? I hope all is good :). I'm sorry for not being consistent in updating (not that anyone cares lol) and I'm also sorry that I only write when I'm sad, or down, or stressed out. I just.. don't know how to deal and cope with it, I'm sorry that all I do is complain and rant here, I'm sorry that I feel life is very unfair to me. I'm sorry that all you read is just disappointment and sad confession (if there is someone who reads it). I feel like each day become sadder and sadder, how pathetic my life is. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but why is it we feel really terrible and sad for that ONE thing we can't have? I questioned this a lot. I am grateful for any other things but I just.. I don't know like there's a big hole in my heart and I can't seem to fill it in with things. It's 2020 and I still feel like a crap 🤣 so much for new year huh? hahaha but anyways happy new year people, I hope life's been treating you well and that you feel content with everything. Don't worry about me, I'm working on it.
okay, so recently I came upon a news that a friend of mine (which I was quite close with during high school but since she moved, we kinda parted ways) have gone missing. God knows what I feel at the moment, my heart literally stops beating when I saw the news. I was worried sick and shaking. I immediately contacted the others to see if they knew about this, and make every possible move to contact her through telegram but she didn't use her phone (she locked and left it). I shared the news hoping it would help even a little. it was then when I knew she's actually having issues of her own and she have been taking medications prescribed from doctor because she have been diagnosed with depression. I don't know when or how did it start, I was really in shock because she didn't seem like the type of people who would gone depressed. she's constantly smiling and laughing, friendly with people around her, a strong person, always give advices when someone needed it. she's very good at comforting people, but little did we know, she's hurting inside. No one comforts her, no one knows what she have been through, she didn't talk about it, she keeps it inside her for so long that it damages her. I haven't talked to her for 6 years and I didn't know what's going on. The time I heard the news I keep thinking to myself, am I a bad person? am I a bad friend? I thought she was doing okay, with her new friends in uni and a boyfriend. I didn't know she's suffering.. I'm so sad. I blamed myself for not always checking her up, I'm sorry that I'm selfish, thinking that I'm the only person who have problems. so here, I urge you, to always check up on people you love, no matter how happy you thought they were. the wound inside cannot be seen, and people who are suffering inside really knows how to hide it well so ask them how they are doing, frequently. it might save lives. for those who are suffering, please know you are not alone. I know that you think no one understands you, I know that you are in so much pain that you wish it would stop. please seek help, you are worthy to live. give yourself a chance to live a life that you, yourself can't imagine it. you will be happy, eventually. stay safe and happy everyone. don't be too stressed. find ways to do things that make you happy and for me, writing is. I don't know how to stay strong, but just, keep yourself together and keep holding on. there are people who loves you. I love you. till then, bye-bye you. you will be okay :-)
