2021 and Corona?

Can't believe it's 2021 and I'm 23! Well, I guess updating the blog turned out to be once in a year hahaha last post was on January 2020, and here I am again, January 2021. Who would have thought we would be hit by a pandemic halfway through 2020 and up until now. And it does not seem like it's gonna end anytime soon 😒. I have been spending most of my time being at home, I actually miss going out anytime I want. Malaysia is currently still in movement control order which means everything has its limit, can't go out except with the proposed time by the government. Also, the politics game is going strong here (not into politics, but in times like this I guess I have to). Idk what's the game, but can't just people rule with nothing but pure intention and not for the power tho. The world would be a better place if everyone is on the same page. But again, this world is not fair. Nothing is. I hope this madness ends soon. 

I forgot how nice this is. Writing with my laptop, alone, at 3:27 AM. I would have a coffee but just brushed my teeth lol. Missing this vibe and the tranquility. Woah, easy on the big words there, mate 🤣. But for real, I really miss this (questioning myself why I did not do this as a routine). Guess I have been too busy, apart from studying, and watching movies lolll and also house chores, duh 😴. I'm a final year student now hehe just completed my final year project and my viva-voce presentation. Alhamdulillah, it went well. I mean, not the best, but I kinda think I did a good job although I could have done better, and search for a better topic for the project. But this corona makes it hard. Need to change everything and adapt to the new norm. My advice tho, better start searching for the topics even when you are not in your final year. Really think about it to make it interesting and if possible, let it relate to what you plan on to venture for your future career. I did not think that when I first start doing it, all I know is I just want to get it over and done with. Not a good behaviour nor a good thinking. Don't make the same mistake. Tiberr, tips on how to find topic for your final year project hahaha 😆. 

Currently looking for an internship placement. Nearly gave up because all industries are struggling at this time, placing them at a difficult position and not being able to hire interns. But luckily I did get an offer at this one company, and I'm looking forward to start my internship journey there. Although I'm a little scared.... okay, lies, VERY scared. I don't know what to expect, I'm afraid I'm not gonna be good at what I learn. What if I get scold for being so dumb? 😭 What if I can't apply my knowledge with hands-on cause I'm bad at it? aaaa I am overwhelmed just thinking about it. It's my first time, and it feel so 'adult-y' to me hshhshha is that even a word? aaaa so scared being an adult. Is this how grown-ups should feel in the first place? How do I overcome the fear? I have been feeling like I am not ready and I am envious of my friends who are already 'there'. I don't think I'm there yet T.T. I just have to suck it up and face it. What choice do I have?

Okay, I think that's it. Sure, there's A LOT that has been happening in my life within the time span of 1 year but I guess this is is sufficient because it's too long already hahaha I'll try to make another entry on the other things (I'LL TRY KAYS) but for the time being, this is enough to wrap it up. Till next time, bye-bye! 🌝

I'm sorry.

Hello, how have you been? I hope all is good :). I'm sorry for not being consistent in updating (not that anyone cares lol) and I'm also sorry that I only write when I'm sad, or down, or stressed out. I just.. don't know how to deal and cope with it, I'm sorry that all I do is complain and rant here, I'm sorry that I feel life is very unfair to me. I'm sorry that all you read is just disappointment and sad confession (if there is someone who reads it). I feel like each day become sadder and sadder, how pathetic my life is. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but why is it we feel really terrible and sad for that ONE thing we can't have? I questioned this a lot. I am grateful for any other things but I just.. I don't know like there's a big hole in my heart and I can't seem to fill it in with things. It's 2020 and I still feel like a crap 🤣 so much for new year huh? hahaha but anyways happy new year people, I hope life's been treating you well and that you feel content with everything. Don't worry about me, I'm working on it.

okay, so recently I came upon a news that a friend of mine (which I was quite close with during high school but since she moved, we kinda parted ways) have gone missing. God knows what I feel at the moment, my heart literally stops beating when I saw the news. I was worried sick and shaking. I immediately contacted the others to see if they knew about this, and make every possible move to contact her through telegram but she didn't use her phone (she locked and left it). I shared the news hoping it would help even a little. it was then when I knew she's actually having issues of her own and she have been taking medications prescribed from doctor because she have been diagnosed with depression. I don't know when or how did it start, I was really in shock because she didn't seem like the type of people who would gone depressed. she's constantly smiling and laughing, friendly with people around her, a strong person, always give advices when someone needed it. she's very good at comforting people, but little did we know, she's hurting inside. No one comforts her, no one knows what she have been through, she didn't talk about it, she keeps it inside her for so long that it damages her. I haven't talked to her for 6 years and I didn't know what's going on. The time I heard the news I keep thinking to myself, am I a bad person? am I a bad friend? I thought she was doing okay, with her new friends in uni and a boyfriend. I didn't know she's suffering.. I'm so sad. I blamed myself for not always checking her up, I'm sorry that I'm selfish, thinking that I'm the only person who have problems. so here, I urge you, to always check up on people you love, no matter how happy you thought they were. the wound inside cannot be seen, and people who are suffering inside really knows how to hide it well so ask them how they are doing, frequently. it might save lives. for those who are suffering, please know you are not alone. I know that you think no one understands you, I know that you are in so much pain that you wish it would stop. please seek help, you are worthy to live. give yourself a chance to live a life that you, yourself can't imagine it. you will be happy, eventually. stay safe and happy everyone. don't be too stressed. find ways to do things that make you happy and for me, writing is. I don't know how to stay strong, but just, keep yourself together and keep holding on. there are people who loves you. I love you. till then, bye-bye you. you will be okay :-)